I had tried to coach myself on this situation. I made a little headway, but I kept spinning into the same frustrating thoughts. I was desperate for a mind shift and more peace, so I decided to bring it to my coach. I thought I needed coaching on letting go of resentment. Forgiveness maybe? I told her I wanted help knowing if I could’ve gotten a different result if I had somehow handled the situation differently.
But as it turns out, the coaching went even deeper than that.
The back story: It was family picture day. We had all the clothes picked out and ironed, shoes polished, hair curled. But despite my best efforts to get my teenage daughter on board with the color scheme and what would look best for her to wear…despite me paying for her to buy new WHITE pants that made us all coordinate…despite my reassurance that she looked great….
She threw a full-on teenager tantrum.
“Family pictures are so dumb! I hate white pants. Why can’t everyone just wear what they want? It’s just so stupid for us to do these pictures so they can just hang on our wall for two years! I hate this! I don’t even want to come.”
In the end, my daughter showed up to family pictures in old jeans with holes. Everyone else was dressed up: girls in dresses, husband and son in dress pants and shirts. I let it go that night and just embraced her with love.
So why was I still stewing about it three days later? Why did I keep ruminating over what I perceived as her selfishness and unwillingness to conform. Why was it still nagging at me? Why was I already dreading getting those pictures back, knowing that for me it would feel like I had failed?
Then it hit me.
The deeper thought.
The painful one that I had been batting away by my focus on her “selfishness.”
What does it say about me as a mother that my daughter showed up in holey jeans to family pictures?
My emotional brain answered: I must be not worth sacrificing for. I must not be worth caring about. I must not be a good enough mother. She must not love me very much.
Then my coached probed further.
What does it say about her that she showed up in holey jeans to family pictures?
My logical brain answered: She prefers jeans. She prefers comfort. She doesn’t like conforming; she never has. She is trying to figure out who she is apart from our family. She likes things to be more messy and candid. She doesn’t like posed, robotic-looking pictures.
Then my coach probed even further.
What does it say about you as a mother that your daughter showed up in holey jeans to family pictures?
My insightful brain answered: That my daughter knows I care about her more than I care about perfect pictures or white pants. She knows that even if I am disappointed in the moment, I will get over it and forgive her. Just like I’ve gotten over and forgiven much bigger things in the past. She knows she’s loved and accepted, exactly as she is, even though she doesn’t always conform.
My daughter showing up in holey jeans to family pictures means she is CONFIDENT in my love. Which, in the grand scheme of things, means WAY more to me than any picture on the wall. With the help of my coach, I was able to reframe a perceived parenting failure to a huge parenting win!
Coaching. Is. Powerful.