He Thought His Mom Hated Him

Last night, my daughter had a friend over, and the topic of his mom came up. He said, "My mom hates me." I assured him that was impossible and asked why he thought that. He explained that he'd just turned 18 and felt he should have fewer rules and no curfew. Obviously, his mom disagreed.

"Are you the oldest?" I asked. He confirmed he was. "Well, good news! Your mom doesn't hate you; she just hates that she can't control you."

Ironically, a few minutes later, his mom called. He was late for curfew (it was 10:09 PM), and she said, "I guess you're telling me you aren't going to St. George this weekend. You need to come home NOW."

After the call, my daughter asked why he was going to St. George. He explained it was for the high school basketball team, where he was in the starting lineup.

Clearly, his mom was making idle threats. And I can totally relate! She is probably in a similar place to where I was five or six years ago, believing it's possible to control teenagers.

Like many well-meaning parents, his mom was living in fear for his present and future well-being, doing her best to prevent him from making mistakes that could wreck his future.

But it wasn't working. And it never does. Because let's be real: you CANNOT control teenagers. I learned this the hard way with my oldest daughter. It took me a while to realize this truth.

Fortunately, I came across a book, "Parent/Teen Breakthrough: The Relationship Approach," that spent the first four chapters debunking the myth that parents can control teenagers.

As Kirshenbaum and Foster (1991) wisely stated, "Don't set yourself up in opposition to one of the most powerful sources in the world: a teenager's drive to independence and selfhood."

I finally saw the light.

But now what? Do we just let our teens do whatever they want with no rules or consequences?

This book offers a different perspective. Its core message is that while you can't control teenagers, you have significant power to influence them—if you have a good relationship with them.

It then outlines principles for maintaining a strong relationship with your teen, reminding us to treat our teens how we want to be treated. Though it sounds simple, it's harder than it seems.

We need to assume the best, give them mutual respect, and love them unconditionally.

When it comes to conflict, the book recommends, "The simplest solution is to begin by assuming that your teenager feels unloved by you."

Such was the case with my daughter's friend. Even though I am sure his mom felt like she showed love to him all the time, when we parent from fear or control, love will never be the leading emotion.

Whenever I find myself in a parenting rut, trying to control the uncontrollable, I revisit these principles and realign myself.

• We cannot control our teenagers.

• Our only influence is through having a good relationship with them.

• Assume they feel unloved, so let love be the motive for every interaction.

• Practice mutual respect and assume the best.

• Before any interaction, assess whether your actions will improve or hurt the relationship.

Try one or more of these ideas, and let me know how it goes.