Helping Teens Take Ownership
As the school year begins, many parents find themselves dealing with a mix of feelings. It's common to hear parents express hopes like:
"I hope she likes her teachers."
"I hope he makes good friends."
"I hope he does his homework."
"I hope she gets good grades."
"I hope he makes the basketball team."
"I hope she wakes up on time."
These and similar thoughts often echo in my own mind.
Sending our kids into a school full of unknowns can be stressful. However, I like to remind myself of two important truths:
My kids are meant to face challenges.
My kids' results are not a reflection of me.
The first point can be tough to accept. Many of us want to protect our children from harsh words, insecurity, strict teachers, poor grades, disappointment, and stress.
Yet, the reality is that our kids are supposed to struggle. Experiencing pain and negative emotions is part of their growth, making them stronger and more resilient.
It's also easy to become too involved in our children's successes and failures, fearing that their "failures" might reflect on our parenting. But the truth is, both our children's achievements and setbacks are theirs to own.
Overprotecting our children and teens can undermine their self-confidence and growth. We have the opportunity to make our home the safest place for them to learn from mistakes and "failure."
Basing our value and success as parents on our kids' success creates a very tricky dynamic. Without realizing it, we find ourselves nagging or becoming our children's reminder system.
Instead of falling into this pattern, Ben Pugh--a fellow parenting coach--encourages us to ask our teens these five-question to shift responsibility and ownership back to them:
"What's your plan?"
"When will it be done?"
"What might get in the way?"
"What support do you want from me?"
"What should happen if it doesn't get done?"
The last question is crucial. Involving your teen in deciding consequences creates buy-in.
Remember: the goal is NOT to control your teens, but to help them take charge of their own lives.
When we care more about our kids' success than they do, we become a barrier to their growth.
So, as the school year starts, take a deep breath.
Let go of your kids' outcomes. Instead, focus your energy on being the parent you want to be.
