How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids
Parenting can be both rewarding and challenging, especially when faced with the complexities of raising teenagers.
Many parents I coach express feeling trapped in cycles of frustration and resentment due to their teen's behavior. They feel ignored and underappreciated, which sometimes leads to emotional outbursts (i.e. yelling).
I've been there.
A few years ago, I vividly remember yelling at my son as he quickly retreated to the basement. I was so angry and emotional, I probably sounded like a lunatic. I turned around and was surprised to see his best friend standing there, whom I had completely forgotten about. "Oh, hi Tim." We laughed, but it was a wake-up call for me to reconsider my approach to parenting.
As I've reflected, I've discovered six key changes that have helped me stop yelling and start connecting more meaningfully with my kids.
What I've Stopped Doing:
Owning My Kids' Choices: I've shifted from trying to control my kids' choices and decisions to focusing on my own. This adjustment has allowed me to concentrate on what I can control—my actions and reactions!
Caring About Every Minute: Instead of obsessing over how my kids spend their time, I prioritize my own time management, ensuring I prioritize self-care and activities that bring me joy. This is the best antidote for resentment.
Striving for Perfection: I've let go of the unrealistic expectation of having perfect kids, being a perfect mom, and having a perfectly managed home. We're just humans, after all. Remembering that mistakes are part of the journey is liberating.
Seeking External Validation: Rather than expecting appreciation from my family, I practice self-appreciation. Every single day. On challenging days, I'm even kinder and more grateful to myself.
What I've Started Doing:
Expressing Appreciation: I focus on expressing gratitude to my family. Gratitude has one of the highest emotional frequencies. It's a powerful gift that, like love, feels even better to give than to receive.
Telling Myself the Truth: No one in my house is making me mad or frustrated. I don't have to wait until my family members change before I can feel better. By managing my thoughts, I can control my feelings and reactions.
Many friends and clients ask for strategies to avoid yelling. While I could offer them new phrases or actions, changes they make would likely just be temporary. Real transformation comes from changing our thoughts.
Notice that all six of my strategies involve the internal work of changing our thinking! Better thoughts lead to better emotions, which naturally result in better behavior.
I encourage you to try one of these strategies soon and let me know how it goes.
