What To Do With Big Emotions

Emotions are incredible. They are at the heart of the very best and worst parts of being human.

I love to remind myself and my clients that everything we want in life is because of how we think it will make us feel. Similarly, everything we don'twant in life is because of how we think it will make us feel.

It sounds so basic, but think about that for a minute. Emotions fuel our every behavior, both our finest and most challenging moments.

There are three common ways we react to emotions that might not serve our best interests: avoidance, eating and drinking, and negative self-talk.

Avoidance involves suppressing emotions, ignoring them, binge-watching Netflix, pretending they don't exist, or hoping they will just go way. The problem is that avoidance doesn't eliminate emotions; it often amplifies them. Anxiety can escalate to panic, embarrassment can turn into shame, and anger can become rage.

Eating and drinking are pretty straightforward. Many of us know the urge to retreat to the pantry for chocolate after an emotional encounter. While we get a temporary dopamine boost, the emotion remains, often accompanied by a stomach ache.

Negative self-talk is subtle and often unnoticed. It sounds like, "Why did I do that?" "What was I thinking?" "I'm so stupid," or "I'll never get it right." This happens when we beat ourselves up trying to avoid feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, and sadness.

These reactions leave us frustrated and discouraged, and they do nothing to help us process the emotion. The good news is there's another way.

Emotions, even negative ones, aren't dangerous. They need to be felt and processed. Contrary to what we might think, emotions don't just disappear.

To process an emotion, start by giving yourself permission to feel. Open up to the emotion rather than suppressing it. Hold space for whatever feelings are present.

Next, name the emotion. Build a vocabulary for various emotions. The more specifically you can identify the emotion, the better. "I am feeling... embarrassment, restlessness, overwhelm, shame."

Then, remind yourself you are safe. Tell your body it's safe to relax. Our bodies react to perceived emotional harm the same way as it does to physical harm, so we need to teach our body that we aren't in any imminent danger.

Finally, learn how to deactivate. This varies for each person. Some need to move their bodies, others need deep breaths, and some need to find stillness.

Only after sitting with emotions and allowing them to process can we access our thinking brain again and use cognitive strategies.

Emotions are powerful, especially when we harness them to work for us rather than against us.