You Go First

I found myself in the small office of my daughter's counselor, having scheduled a meeting out of sheer desperation. Things weren't going well at home, and I needed guidance and ideas.

This counselor had been seeing my daughter weekly for over six months. She knew our story and struggles, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling that things might never improve.

After I recounted the latest challenges at home, she listened intently and then said, "Julia, you realize that parents always go first, right?"

What?

Her words caught me off guard, leaving me speechless for a few minutes. I felt a surge of anger and confusion.

What?!

My daughter was so disrespectful, ungrateful, and frustrating. She argued about everything, ignored her responsibilities, and bent (or completely disregarded) the rules.

What was this woman even talking about?!

Parents go first.

Of course we do! We serve, sacrifice, love, worry, and endure.

Parents go first.

Then it hit me. I saw myself mirroring my daughter's disrespectful tone, reacting in anger, failing to express gratitude, and not truly seeing her for who she was.

It's ironic that I expected my teenager to be more emotionally mature, respectful, grateful, and kind than I was. Without this awareness, I often mirrored her emotions and behavior, then blamed her for my reactions.

I'm sad to admit there's nothing glamorous about being a parent.

You go first. Always.

Instead of waiting around for your teens to change something, step it up in that area.

• If you're frustrated by their lack of respect, be more respectful.

• If you feel unseen by them, work harder to see them.

• If you dislike how rarely they express gratitude, increase how often you express it.

• If you think they make harsh judgments, stop judging them.

• If you find them unkind, be kinder to them and everyone else at home.

If it's so easy to be respectful, grateful, non-judgmental, and kind... you go first.

Rather than feeling frustrated that your teen isn't meeting your expectations, drop the heaviness and raise your expectations of yourself.

You are, after all, the only one you can control.

I'll be honest, I still think back on that day in that little office and shudder a bit. I didn't love being called out by my daughter's counselor, but I'm very grateful she had the courage to tell me the truth.

You go first.