At the Heart of the Argument

Lately, I keep finding myself in little arguments with my 16-year old son. My very wise mother (who raised TEN children!) says this is “normal"; that 16- and 17-year olds “know everything." But it just keeps happening, so I decided to take a look at it.

This is how the conversation usually goes: we start talking about something and then he misinterprets (or completely makes up) my response. I hear myself saying, “I never said that,” but he doesn't listen. He just gets angrier and angrier with everything I say. 

Last night he accused me of having a passive-aggressive tone. 

I first checked to make sure he understood the term. Unfortunately he did. *insert sigh and eye roll

So then I asked him what about my tone was passive-aggressive. 

He told me. And all the arguing suddenly made sense.

The reason he kept misinterpreting me and saying I said things I never said was because he thought that I was JUDGING him.  

I said, “How could I be meaning that when I don't ever even THINK that.” He persisted and said something about my tone again. 

Then I told him about how much I praise him to ALL of my friends. How when people ask how he is, I just tell them all the ways he's amazing and figuring things out, and how he makes me laugh everyday. He seemed a little confused, but he softened.

So we made a deal. I promised to be more careful how I said things, and he would try harder to believe that I think the world of him.  

Anyway, what I learned from this is that teens are hypersensitive about their parents' judgments. WAY more than we realize. 

Even when we are trying so hard to just love them right where they are, exactly as they are. 

We tend to assume our teens don't really care what we think of them. But the truth is, they do care…. A LOT. 

Their self-perception is still forming. They still look to the people around them to know if they're okay or not. They are constantly seeking for identity, approval, and praise. 

And unfortunately if they don't get it at home, chances are they will look to their peers exclusively for a sense of identity and approval. 

Last night, I made a commitment to myself (and him) to do better. Not only will I be watching what I say, but I am going to screen and let go of any and all judgmental thoughts. Because frankly, this world is TOUGH on our teens, so it makes sense that they are hypersensitive.  

They need lots of praise and reinforcement. And personally, I WANT to be the person that is in their corner cheering them on louder than anyone else.