Basics for Parenting Deeply Feeling Teens
Last summer, I was sitting in a plane on a runway for several hours while engineers were attending to a safety issue with the plane before it would be deemed safe for take off. No doubt it was an inconvenience for everyone on board: they were getting to their destination late; possibly missing a connecting flight, or even a cruise. What if one passenger threw such a fit that they convinced the pilot to ignore the safety warnings and fly the plane anyway?
You likely have one more child(ren) in your home that pushes boundaries harder than the other kids; that is more demanding and emotional. They feel deeper than anyone else, might have had more toddler tantrums, and if they are teens they are likely stirring things up in your home. Emotions are high and often volatile. You are likely either seriously concerned about this child or you're seriously angry with them. Maybe both, all in the same day! These children are whom Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, calls “deeply feeling kids” (DFKs).
The two most important parenting essentials for parenting "deeply feeling kids" are empathy and clear boundaries.
Just like their name suggests, deeply feeling kids/teens feel everything more deeply than other kids. As a result, their emotions can often feel scary or too big for them. Our instincts as parents is to try to keep DFKs quiet and calm. Unfortunately, this is likely to backfire because when their emotions aren't validated, they just get louder. Empathy is crucial.
Returning to the analogy of the plane sitting on the runway, we also need to have clear boundaries for DFKs. A pilot who gives in to an irate passenger and flies the plane against safety warnings is similar to a parent allowing their deeply feeling kids and teens to dictate the entire family and home dynamic. Can you imagine how terrified everyone on board would be if a pilot allowed this passenger to call the shots, endangering the safety of everyone else? (Even the irate passenger would probably be terrified once they realized what they had done.)
As a parent, you're the pilot. Your job is NOT to keep your children happy all the time; your job is to keep your family safe and functional. Your job is also to lead and make big decisions.
Here's a basic example of how to incorporate both empathy and boundaries when your DFK has a strong emotional outburst in a family setting:
Go with them into their room and close the door. Notice I didn't say send them to their room alone; remember that DFKs' emotions are often scary for them. Going into a closed room contains the impact their behavior has on the family dynamic.
Take time to fully acknowledge your DFKs emotional experience. Empathy, understanding, helping them name the emotion and how it feels in their body. These kids/teens need to feel seen and know that their experience is real. “I believe you. You are so frustrated." Model emotional regulation and encourage them to move toward and process the emotion through deep breathing and grounding exercises.
This is NOT the time to talk through or try to reason with your DFK. When emotions are high, thinking and logic are low. Just identify the emotion and validate. Breath….validate…calm…repeat.
Maybe later or the next day, when the DFK is calm and regulated, you could have a further conversation while doing something enjoyable together.
Try it out. Empathy + boundaries. It's a simple formula, but it works.
