Confidence Through Independence

When my son was a baby, he had jaundice. It was severe enough that they had us get a UV light suitcase for him to sleep in. He didn't like this situation and neither did I. His older sister would startle him awake within 20 minutes of getting him to sleep. All day, every day.

After a week, his bilirubin numbers turned around and we got to return the suitcase. But we were both traumatized. He didn't want me to put him down, and honestly, I didn't want to put him down either. So we were actually a good pair.

Until he started waking up every hour and needing to nurse back to sleep. He developed severe separation anxiety because he felt tired all the time, and nursing was his ONLY way to get him to sleep. He wouldn't let me put him down EVER, not even to let Dad take care of him for awhile.

This obviously wasn't sustainable. I was beyond exhausted and needed a solution.

Finally, I found an online sleep book that taught sleep foundation principles that gave me hope.

What finally convinced me to try the suggested method was reading how babies NEED uninterrupted sleep for proper brain development. Babies who remain poor sleepers have physical and behavioral repercussions that can last decades.

The most profound thing I learned was that I needed to help my son develop the skill of self-soothing. He needed to feel CONFIDENT that he could independently get himself to sleep. Otherwise, he would continue to feel stressed anytime he was tired and I wasn't around.

This blew my mind and made me very motivated to be persistent in helping him learn.

Fast forward 17 years. That sweet baby boy is a senior in high school. He will graduate in just a few weeks.

Just like sleep training him was crucial for his physical and behavior health, raising him to become an independent contributing human has required a lot of trust: a process of gradually letting go.

I often think of the many hard lessons I've helped him learn so he can be more confidently independent. Because as parents, the long-view is that we are raising these kids not to stay as kids, but to help them be functioning adults.

During his teen years, I've needed to give him a lot of space to make mistakes and fall on his face.

He got into two accidents (and paid a $1,000 deductible) before learning to drive more carefully.

He got his heart broken twice before he stopped getting overly involved with girls.

He blew up the microwave, burned lots of toast, and splattered smoothie all over the kitchen (multiple times). But now he can knows his way around the kitchen and can independently make any food he wants, including homemade bread.

He does his own laundry and knows how to scrub the toilets.

And it took lots of support, but he's finally able to write a coherent essay and get himself on time to school (most of the time).

I'm pretty proud of the hardworking kid he's become. I'm glad I figured out that the most loving thing I could do for him was to express confidence in his ability to learn new things, no matter how poorly he did them at first.

Let your teens fail. Let go of perfection. Let them make the majority of their choices (and DON'T bail them out). Question yourself every time you feel tempted to do something for them that they can do themselves.

In the end, true confidence comes as a results of independence.