Emotional Needs of Teenagers

Can you believe we're already two weeks into 2026? Time is flying by!

So, one of the most common mistake we make as parents is not knowing that, emotionally, teenagers are more like children than adults.

Maybe you need to read that a second time like I did when I first learn it.

Emotionally, teenagers are more like CHILDREN than adults.

This realization was quite unsettling for me.

My oldest daughter has always been fiercely independent, always wanting to be treated like an adult. Even as an infant, she resisted being cared for.

At five, while watching her toddler sister play, she was amused and said, “Look, Mom, Annalise thinks she’s an adult like us.” I laughed, but shook my head and thought, “She’s not the only one confused.”

It seemed like she never wanted to be taken care of, instructed, parented, or shown how to do something; and she certainly didn't want to be discipled. From a VERY early age, she wanted to be treated like an equal.

Reading about teens' emotional needs was a bitter pill to swallow. I had NOT seen her as needing extra love, reassurance, and nurturing.

Instead, I gave her space and independence, thinking that was what she wanted.

Oops.

Teens are not adults, despite acting like them, looking like them, or wanting to be treated like them. They need unconditional love and care, akin to a child's needs—dependence, not interdependence.

So, what does this look like from day to day?

Like toddlers, teens still need limits, boundaries, and expectations, but within an environment of unconditional love, even during teenage "tantrums".

When they break down emotionally, even if they push you away, consider what a child would need in that moment: MORE love, attention, touch, support, and kindness.

But the challenge is to not treat them like a child, or they'll push away harder.

This does put added responsibility on us as parents. Trying to show up better as a mom, lately I've noticed myself biting my tongue, resisting sending angry texts, and doing a lot of deep-breathing to calm my nervous system.

It's not easy being the mature one, but try to consider that any situation for which we take more responsibility, we also have more control over the outcome.

Ask yourself: How can I better love my teen unconditionally? How can I show them more care and nurturing (while still respecting their desire to be treated like an adult)? How can I be the emotionally stable one in the relationship? How can I be the parent I aspire to be, regardless of my teen's behavior?

These are valuable questions to ponder, far better than those my default brain typically offers me when my teens break down emotionally: "Why is my teen so selfish?" "Why is she so emotional?" "Why is he always angry?" "Why does she expect so much?"

These questions don't help me focus on what's within my control.

Remember, you are the parent, and this is your kid. They might look big (even taller than you!), but their brain is far from developed.

They need reassurance and love, likely more than you feel like giving on some days. This love will stretch and expand you in the best ways.

Also, remember that your efforts will pay dividends, benefiting you and your teen for decades with better emotional health.

Because when teens' needs are met, they function better in all roles, and are able to tackle challenges and grow in all the ways they're meant to.