Holding Space for Our Teens

You know something is wrong. Your teenage girl has been sullen all day long, with the occasional angry outburst at her siblings. When she doesn't know you're looking, you notice tears streaming down her face. At one point in the evening, you ask her if she's okay and she storms off yelling, “I really need new clothes!” 

You are tempted to get defensive. You give her things all the time. You give her all you can. More than you ever had growing up. You pay hundreds of dollars every month for her activities. Instead of reacting, you bite your tongue.

Later on, when you're both more calm, you try talking to her again. She opens up. 

Her friends left her out again. They were hanging out all night and she knew it because they all share each others' locations on their phones. (WHY do teens do this?!?) 

Everything makes sense. The explosions of anger, the crying, the “needing new clothes.” She was feeling insecure, forgotten, hurt.

You are tempted to offer solutions, but instead you just listen. You ask if you can take her to lunch tomorrow. She agrees. You hug. She goes to bed.

Does this situation feel familiar to any of you? Well, spoiler alert, this was Thursday last week for me and my 14-year old. Fortunately, it ended well…this time.

My old self would've made a mess of it for sure. Because I would've made it about me somehow, or I would've been intolerant of her negativity and thrown out some knee-jerk consequence. She would've run off to her room screaming: "You always make everything worse!"

What I learned from Thursday is that teens ALWAYS have reasons for their bad behavior. I have never regretted giving my teens space and assuming the best. People behave badly when they are stuck in pain or fear. 

Holding space for our teens means leading with curiosity and compassion, especially when they are having a bad day. Thinking: “Wow, that's out of character. I wonder what's going on for her/him?” feels so much better than judgment. 

Had I led with judgment, my daughter never would've felt safe to open up. (Trust me, I know from experience.) Perhaps the best part about holding space is that connection is waiting on the other side. 

And isn't connection to our kids what parents crave above anything else? 

So the next time your teen is being especially negative, and your brain offers you judgment, slow down and breathe. Then hold space. 

Curiosity, compassion, connection. You've got this.