Holding Teens Accountable Without Negativity

I’ve needed to freshen up on boundaries and expectations lately. My sophomore daughter suddenly likes a boy who can drive. She wants to text him all hours of the day and night and stay out late (even on school nights).

My job isn't to make her decisions for her; my job is to let her know where the boundaries lie, and to enforce them. For example, 9:30 is her weekday curfew. If she comes home after that, she will get a consequence.

People often misunderstand boundaries. A boundary is NOT an expectation that another person comply with our requests. A boundary is the ACTION WE TAKE when another person doesn't comply.

Following through on a boundary doesn’t need to be dramatic. We don’t need to get emotional and tell our teen that we are disappointed or angry.

We can discuss consequences with your teen and they don’t have to be horrific. The point isn’t to punish our teens so they will stop doing it; that’s not in our control. Our job as parents is to set boundaries and follow through on the consequences, if necessary.

We delusionally think that our teen will react rationally when we set a boundary or give a consequence. We hope they will say, "Thanks so much, Mom, clearly you have my best interest at heart" or "Wow, Dad, that boundary sure shows how much you care."

No, your teen probably won't say this or anything close to it. Your teen won’t like it; they will be mad and frustrated and possibly say some awful things.

This is our chance, as parents, to be emotionally sturdy and stay regulated. Or as I try to remind myself, "Julia, be the ADULT in the room."

Give your teen permission to be upset. We can even empathize (in a genuine, non-patronizing way, of course). We can hold a firm boundary while still being loving and validating. 

So, what does this look like?

Your teen comes home 35 minutes late for curfew on Friday night. You could say, "Hey, so it looks like you won't be able to go out tomorrow night. I know it's your friend's sweet-16 birthday party, and I'm so sad that you won't be able to go. I know you're probably frustrated and angry. I love you so much and I'm sorry."

That's it. Then you stay firm through all the attempts of negotiation, justification, excuses, and possibly angry outbursts directed at you. You remind yourself that your teen made their choice (their job) and you set and carried out the boundary (your job).

In saying we can hold our teens accountable without negativity, I'm talking about how WE show up. Our teens will probably still be negative.

But choosing not to bring additional negativity to a boundary conversation feels so empowering, and it opens the relationship up for potential connection. The added bonus is that we don't punish ourselves when our teen makes mistakes (because negativity never feels good).

Do you think you can do this with your teen? Why or why not?

I invite you to try this out this week and let me know how it goes!