Let the Natural Consequences Fall

My 16-year-old daughter stayed out late on Wednesday night after her region drill team competition. I reminded her of her goal to be on time for her first period chemistry class the rest of the semester. She agreed that was still her goal.

She ended up staying up well past midnight and slept in the next day. I woke her up 13 minutes before school started. Surprisingly, she ran downstairs and out the door within five minutes of waking up so she could still be on time.

I drove her to school so she didn't have to take the time to park. I patted myself on the back for waking her up and was very proud that she chose to be on time.

Meanwhile, I had plans that morning: an 8:15 spin class and coaching appointments starting at 10:00am.

I responded to her first text, five minutes after I dropped her off, when she realized she was hungry. So I dropped off some food at the high school on my way to the rec center.

Shortly after my spin class started, she started rapid-fire texting me about picking her up and checking her out so she could come home and get ready for the day and eat food (she didn't want the food I'd left for her at the office), etc., etc.

I had to tell her I was unavailable and couldn't help her.

I had to remind myself it wasn't my job to bail her out. Being hungry and not ready for the day were her natural consequences for going to bed late and sleeping though her alarm.

How tempting is it for you to bail out your teens? Or maybe you feel guilty when you can't bail them out?

I've noticed that my super-hero mentality often wants to swoop in and fix things for my kids.

But what would my daughter learn if she freely makes choices and then I suffered the consequences? Technically, I could've derailed my day and picked her up. I considered it, but I knew I couldn't have done it without resentment.

So, it was a NO for me. And I chose to stick with my schedule.

As much as I sometimes feel guilty that I can't be at the beck and call of my kids, I know my best chance at teaching them responsibility is to sometimes let the natural consequences fall. It's useful to allow them to feel the stress and discomfort that their choices create.

Should you run your kid his homework? Backpack? Lunch? Basketball uniform? Honestly, that's for you to decide. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.

But in general, when I take a step back, I can see that I'd much rather my kids feel a little short-term discomfort so they can learn lessons of responsibility when the consequences are low-stakes.

There's not nearly as much mercy in the real world, after all.