Listen and Learn
We've been talking about the Pyramid of Influence. This week is SO important if you feel like your teen doesn't listen to you. News flash: the main reason your teen doesn't listen to you is....they don't feel like you listen to THEM.
Today, I'm going to teach you how to listen and learn from your teen.
To review, the Pyramid of Influence has three principles:
Most time and effort should be spent on the lower levels of the pyramid.
The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always found at a lower level.
Your effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the lowest level of the pyramid: your way of being.
Like I said, teens who don't feel heard by their parents stop talking to their parents. They talk to their friends who treat them as equals and don't discount their opinion.
Our teens also stop talking to us when we offer them unsolicited advice. If you aren't sure whether your input is welcome, ask, "Do you want my advice, or do you just need a sounding board?"
Most of the time our teens share something, they don't want us to do or say anything, except maybe offer a little empathy.
Teens also stop sharing when they feel disrespected. You MUST respect your teen on some level; if you don't, you need to change your thoughts about them or they probably won't talk to you.
Please consider that your teen is smart and capable in SO many ways that you aren't considering.
Teens also hate it when their parents assume they know things they don't. So, don't assume you know what your teen's life is like. And don't assume you know how your teen feels (they might not even know!)
Just ask them. And REALLY listen. Give them your full attention. And validate their emotional experience.
Take note of their preferences. Keep a list of their favorite things.
Let your teen teach you about the things they are interested in. What do they love about the video game they play everyday? Ask them to teach you about their style. Ask them their thoughts about different things happening in the world.
My teenage daughter just came home from school and vented to me about her friends, (this is my child who rarely opens up about her life) that they were being SO selfish and bossy about the upcoming school dance. I asked her a few questions, but mostly I just stayed in curiosity.
What's it like to be her at age 15 in 2024? When I read between the lines, I could see that she was mostly just stressed and overwhelmed by this new facet of her life. She NEVER talks to boys and now she's supposed to ask someone to a dance?!? And her friends have opinions about who she asks! So stressful.
As a parent, sometimes it's hard to listen and learn from our teens. We're dying to impart all our useful knowledge and expertise on our offspring. It makes sense because they certainly need advice and direction.
I often feel like I have to bite my tongue completely off in order to withhold my opinion about something. But I try to remember that the more I listen to my teens, the more willing they will be to listen to me.
