Parenting the Individual
Something parents often get wrong is trying to parent all their children the same. Parents of teens quickly find that many of the things that worked in parenting children no longer work when they are age enter adolescence. And the older the teen becomes, the more important it is to parent the them as an individual. But only if you are trying to maintain a good relationship with them (which I know we ALL are!)
Questions to ask yourself to help create an individual parenting approach for your child/teen:
What are the priorities of this child/teen?
What makes this child/teen the most upset?
What makes this child/teen feel the most honored?
Here are a few examples:
My oldest daughter's (18 years old) priorities are freedom and autonomy above anything else. Restrictions and over-protection make her very upset. My husband and I struggled to let up on control when she was 14-16 years old, and we had a lot of unnecessary conflict because of it. We've learned to let her captain her own ship and just be there for her with support and advice when she asks for it. She feels honored when we give her lots of space and trust, and allow her to learn important lessons through experience.
My 16-year old son's priorities are adventure and earning money. Standing in the way of something he thinks will be fun and exciting makes him crazy, as does squashing his entrepreneurial spirit. This year, he bought his own season ski pass and a plane ticket to California to go to a concert with a friend. He has also started several little businesses with his friends and appreciates using our car to haul ladders and cleaning supplies all over the county. He feels honored when we say “yes” to his ideas and allow him the freedom to earn and spend money on the things he values.
My 14-year old daughter's priorities are peace and predictability. She disappears into her room when there is any sort of conflict. She does NOT like being teased or embarrassed. She is also more of a home-body. She feels honored when I give her advanced notice, allow her lots of quiet alone time to recharge, and address concerns with her over text rather than in person. I respect her nature by allowing her to opt-out of some family outings, especially if they are last minute.
I am refining my skill of parenting my children as individuals, and I highly encourage my clients to do the same. Parenting the individual may take a little extra work and effort initially. But in my experience, it saves lots of time in the long run, and ultimately saves the relationship.
More warmth and connection, less conflict and misunderstanding. Totally worth it!
