Resentment is Ours to Own

I'm embarrassed to say that I've spent a good portion of my life stuck in the feeling of resentment. I am well-versed in resenting my husband for all the things he should be doing and all the ways he should be helping.

Over the years, I've spread that resentment to include my children for all the things I do for them that they don't appreciate, and all the ways I've sacrificed and served that aren't reciprocated.

A few years ago, I got coached about my resentment. Fortunately, my coach didn't buy my story of self-pity and frustration. She merely asked me why I was choosing resentment.

I think what she actually asked was, "Why are you punching yourself in the face all day long."

Excuse me?!

Obviously, I hadn't done a good enough job explaining things to her. So, I told her about all the heavy burdens I was shouldering and how things just weren't fair.

She said, "Nobody else's actions are making you feel resentful. Your thoughts are making you feel resentful, and those thoughts are optional."

In essence, she made me OWN my resentment.

The truth can be really hard to hear.

She challenged me to tell her if there was any upside to feeling resentful.

The only thing I could come up with was that I could feel justified in disconnecting with my family. What a lame response! Clearly disconnecting with my family wasn't an upside!

She said, “You are indeed working hard for your family; but you are also carrying the burden of resentment with you everywhere you go, making everything you're doing harder and heavier.”

It was true.

Ultimately, I was the one that had to deal with my resentment every day; it wasn't hurting or punishing my family members (though that wasn't really the goal anyway).

We are 100% responsible when we choose resentment.

Resentment comes when WE aren't taking care of our own needs; when we have overcommitted ourselves; when we say yes when we mean no.

Resentment is a sign that we are trying to manage other people's lives and emotions instead of managing our own. Think about that for a minute.

Resentment is a dark cloud that blinds us, keeping us from accessing gratitude and joy.

Resentment truly has no upside. It's a poison that just keeps giving.

I'll be honest, I am a work in progress. I revisit overcoming resentment in coaching every couple of months. But that's okay!

Now, I know that when I feel resentment it is MINE to own. Now, I recognize that I'm in a trap, trying to manage others' lives and emotions instead of my own. Now, I know I am the one making MYSELF miserable and burdened.

This is all such good news, my friends. Truly. This means I don't have to change anyone else to feel better.

To find relief, I just need to change MY thoughts, feelings, and actions.