Seventeen Year Olds "Know" Everything
Last week, my oldest daughter reminded me of the complexities of being 17. She's hesitant to voice her opinions around a 17-year-old friend, fearing a lecture if they disagree.
This amused me, as I recalled feeling the same way about her when SHE was 17. Back then my mom, who raised TEN children, said with a little twinkle in her eye, "17-year-oldsknoweverything." She was being sarcastic, of course.
While it is true that most teens around this age resist parental advice, these are crucial years of learning before they step into independence.
Reflecting on this, I can see why most teens resist their parents' input. Adolescence, spanning ages 10 through 24, focuses on two key developmental goals:
Establishing their identity separate from family.
Gaining competence to leave home independently.
At 17, teens are deep in this developmental phase. Listening to parents may seem counterproductive to both of these goals. They're building grit and bravery, sometimes rejecting the comforts of home, including advice.
Consider this: rejecting your advice requires COURAGE.
So, when your teen dismisses your ideas, take heart. They likely did internalize your advice, even if they can't show it. They're projecting confidence, trying to convince themselves of their competence.
And they will seek your guidance again, often at ages 18-19 when life's challenges have humble them a bit.
At any age, whenever your teen seeks advice, resist the urge to lecture. Instead, ask questions that guide them to their own answers. This method is less likely to set off their "my parents are trying to control me" alarm and will make it safe for them to come to you again.
Your goal is not to make decisions for them, but to help them develop self-trust and become aligned with their own aspirations.
Sometimes as parents of teens it's easy to get caught up in their surface behaviors, which can at times appear disrespectful and dismissive. It's so helpful (and comforting) to remember that they are in the throws of emotional growth and SO many developmental milestones.
Hold space for this developmental phase and also take it easy on yourself. Your teen will figure things out even if you don't say the "right thing" or parent them perfectly.
And ultimately, always remember that you and your teen share the SAME GOAL (for them to become a functioning and contributing adult someday) and are on the same team. They will do things very differently than you pictured, and that's okay.
