The Four Steps to Making a Repair
We are all going to make parenting mistakes. We just are. I have never met any parent who gets it right every time. According to Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and researcher, all parents yell. At least every parent she's ever worked with. And because we do, she believes that the simple, most important parenting strategy is REPAIR.
We must get good at repairing. By her definition, “Repair is going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact it had on another person.” A good repair opens up a conversation rather than shutting it down. A repair leads to CONNECTION, which is what we are always seeking with those we love. So here's the steps:
Make a parenting mistake. This is typically the easiest step for most parents (insert laughing cry-face emoji). But it should give you hope that your first step to greater connection with your kid is to mess up. Since we all do it, acceptance helps us move forward.
Second, get emotionally regulated. This may look like taking some time to do some deep breathing and/or self-connection. Maybe have a pre-planned mantra to help you. Some you might consider are: "I'm a good parent who is having a hard time" or “I made a parenting mistake, and I'm still a good mom/dad.”
Next, make an apology/repair. The apology can be simple, but it must ONLY focus on what you did, not what the child did. Instead of, “Hey, I'm sorry I got angry, but you really can't act that way in public," try: “Hey, I'm really sorry I yelled. I love you." You could also add: “I'm working on managing my emotions, and I let them get the best of me this time. It's not your fault." Depending on the kid and the state of the relationship, sending a sincere text or slipping a note under the door might be more appropriate than apologizing in person.
If they don't accept your apology, which teens often WON'T right away, stay calm and just give space. Leave the apology hanging in the air between you. When your teen has cooled off, maybe even the next day, have a brief conversation about the heated situation. What happened on both sides, how each person felt, and how you can both do better in the future.
That's it. Four steps. We can ALL do this!
So the next time you make a parenting mistake, instead of getting stuck in, “I'm the worst mom/day ever. I've ruined my kid forever,” know your child will be okay. And take heart that because you made a mistake, you are already one step closer to connection. Just three steps to go. You've got this!
