Wanting Our Teens to Be Happy

"I just want my teen to be happy." I hear this a lot from parents I coach when I ask them about what they want most for their teen.

It sounds like such a lovely thought. Don't we all want our teens to be happy?

Unfortunately, for many parents, this thought can be TOXIC.

What happens when your teen isn't happy? What does that mean for you as their parent?

The unfortunate truth is our teens are going to be miserable much of the time. And when we think they are supposed to be happy when they aren't, we are just arguing with reality and creating frustration for ourselves.

As parents, we experience less frustration when we focus our effort on things we CAN control. And our teen's happiness is NOT within our control. The emotions of those around us are never ours to manage.

Tying our happiness and success as a parent to whether our teen is happy is dangerous for many reasons.

We might, for example, downplay their experience or try to talk them out of their unhappy feelings so we can feel better. Or we might do too much for them and not allow them to experience the struggle and rewards of hard work.

If we really think about it, we want our teens to have the exact experience that they choose to have.

When they're feeling negative emotions, instead of trying to convince them to let it go or feel something different, we can just empathize with their feelings and express confidence that they will figure things out.

More than happiness, what we actually want for our teen is growth and strength. And these qualities are the result of overcoming adversity.

We want our teens to make unwise choices, feel their consequences, then choose something different.

We want them to feel stressed and worried about their upcoming test so they will take responsibility for their learning and choose to study.

We want them to have a few "boring" teachers, harsh bosses, and unkind friends so they can gain confidence dealing with challenging people and circumstances.

So, the next time your brain tricks us into wanting your teen to be always be happy, remind yourself that you want FAR more important things for them.

Discomfort is the price our teens (and we) pay to experience growth and expansion in this life. And the good news is, we can be right there with them and so proud of their courage as they grow.