When Parents Aren't on the "Same Page"

In my coaching practice, I frequently get asked what to do when parents have different opinions and approaches to parenting their teen(s).

Clearly, this has the potential to cause conflict in the home, but it doesn't have to.

Ideally parents have similar patterns and principles in their parenting, but doing everything the same way is not necessary.

I would argue that conflict between parents is more harmful to teens than is a difference in parenting styles.

I was talking to one of my friends recently whom I hadn't seen in over five years. She told me she was getting a divorce, and one of the biggest areas of contention in their marriage had been around parenting their challenging teenagers. She was very critical of how her husband was different from her.

I was listening with a lot of empathy because my marriage was in a very rough place 3-4 years ago for the same reason. Since then, I have learned how our differences actually complement each other, and how my husband's way of doing things keeps me open to new ideas and options. 

When parents have differences in parenting philosophies, sometimes delegating certain parenting areas exclusively to each parent helps.

For example, a couple might decide to give one parent responsibility over homework and school-related business and the other parent responsibility for managing chores and electronic devices.

I also encourage parents to refrain from thinking it's their responsibility to manage the relationship between their spouse and their teen. Doing this results in judgment, anger, and frustration for all parties.

Instead, spend your time and effort improving your own relationship with your teen.   

Parents often worry that when they aren't “on the same page,” it's confusing and frustrating for their teen. But my observation is that teens are quite flexible and are able to adjust their expectations for each parent.

Dad might be more strict on some things, but have more common hobbies with the teen; whereas Mom might be more emotionally supportive, but attend fewer games and/or performances. And it's totally fine.

So if you're not always fully aligned with your spouse, take heart.

Your teen will be okay.

Just stay focused on things within your control: your relationship with your teen, your relationship with your spouse, and staying aligned with your own parenting values and priorities.