When Teens Pull Away
Adolescence is a process that takes roughly 5,000 days. This starts around the age of 10 or 11 and completes around the age of 24, at which time the brain is thought to be fully developed. A lot happens during those 13-14 years, but the main developmental purpose and goal for your teen during that period of time is getting ready to leave home.
This job of getting ready to leave home has two main parts:
Becoming self-reliant: changing from being someone who is taken care of to someone who is capable of caring for themselves.
Developing their own identity: changing from being identified as your child to becoming his/her own person.
As you can already imagine, this job creates a sort of tug-of-war within a developing adolescent. Sometimes they want to be taken care of; other times they want to figure it out themselves.
For parents, this might feel like an unexpected sequel to the toddler years. And while your teen is in constant conflict with themselves, it can be painful and confusing for a parent who is accustomed to their child needing and relying upon them.
The way your teen figures out who they are can take several different forms as well. Some teens find their identity by experimenting. They may do this through the process of elimination of all the things they are not. These teens “try on” personalities by changing friend groups frequently, experiment with styles, or shifting from different extracurriculars and clubs. Other teens completely reject everything they have been taught and strongly pull away from their family. Parents often interpret this as rebellion. Other teens are careful observers and don't seem to make any solid commitments or decisions (which can also frustrate parents).
When my oldest daughter turned 16, the first thing she did was dye her hair BLACK. Everyone in our family is blonde. As she got older, people often commented about how much she looked like me. Consciously or not, black hair was a profound statement to the world that she was different than her mom and her family in many ways, both visibly and under the surface.
The process of a teen becoming self-reliant and their own individual can give a parent a true sense of LOSS. I see this with many parents I work with, whose identity is tightly wrapped up in being a parent to their child(ren). After driving them to every dance practice or soccer game, suddenly it feels like their kid doesn't need them anymore. This pain can sometimes translate into anger toward their teen. (I still find myself here sometimes. Can any of your relate to this?)
But just remember, teens NEED to over-correct. The distance they move from their parents is NOT their final resting point. After trying out 27+ colors of hair (black three different times actually), my oldest daughter has recently started growing out her natural blonde hair again. Hair color, of course, is just a symbol of the natural process of individualization. But she has moved closer to our family in many other ways as well.
Parents need to remember that despite how hard teens are pushing them away, they still need you. They need you more than they want to admit! Many parenting experts say that teens needs their parents even MORE than they did as toddlers.
Incidentally, the difference between an explorer and a nomad is whether or not they have a home base. Regardless of the ups and downs of parenting our teens, I encourage all my parent clients to strive to remain/become that home base and safe landing place for our teens.
So just remember: your teen pulling away is a natural process that has a very important purpose. Let yourself grieve the change in your relationship if you need to.
But stand by…
Teens still want your approval; they want your love; they need your counsel and advice. They need your support as they attempt to be brave and become who they are meant to become. Because the process of becoming an adult requires significant amounts of courage.
