When the Life Coach Needs to Coach Herself

You guys, I teach this stuff! I know better. Making changes in these areas are some of the crucial things that transformed my relationship with my oldest daughter.

And here I am again, this time with my middle child. Correcting. Criticizing. Dishing out consequences.

How did I get here?!

When I slow it down, I can see my thought patterns:

"She's rarely home, and when she is, she's critical and negative. She brushes off my attempts to connect, buries herself in stress, and doesn't help out. She's never grateful, doesn't make time for family, and seems really selfish."

My brain has been hard at work, totally focused onher, and noticing all the negative things.

The title ofmy storyis something like: My teenage daughter only cares about herself. So, my brain goes about doing its job, gathering all the evidence to prove this thought true. (And frankly, there's LOTS of evidence.)

So, I find myself feeling frustrated, angry, unloved, and taken for granted.

These feelings lead me to criticize her, both internally and directly. I overlook her positive traits and behaviors, offer less support, take her for granted, and avoid her. I become absorbed in my own stressors, speak impatiently and unkindly, and fail to express gratitude.

And the result I'm getting? A total disconnection from my daughter! I'm not showing up as the mom I want to be, and I'm MIRRORING the majority of her behaviors.

Mirroring emotions and behaviors is normal for humans, as we're social beings who learn from and reflect those around us.

But mirroring a teenager's behavior will never give me the results I want in our relationship.

"Be the adult in the room." This advice I received years ago still holds true.

I want to show up as a consistent, loving mom—intentional, inviting connection, and grounded in my values.

So, I need to challenge the story that my brain has been believing and consider what else could be true here?

When I lead with curiosity and compassion (instead of resentment and judgment), the story looks very different:

"My daughter is busy and stressed, with a lot on her plate. She wants to connect but doesn't know how. She loves us, but often doesn't like us. This is an emotional time for her, and she's striving for balance. She needs me to be the steady presence in our relationship."

I breathe a sigh of relief.

This perspective feels much better and aligns with the results I want. These thoughts are just as true, if not more so, than the previous ones.

Thank you for joining me in this self-coaching session. I feel less stuck, and I hope these reflections offer you some helpful insights too.