When They Say No to Family Time

Something amazing happened last week. As I walked in the door after taking my little girls to a nearby water park, my oldest daughter said, “Hey, when do I get an invitation?” I was struck. 

Backstory: starting at age 15, this daughter had increasingly resisted coming on family vacations or doing fun things with our family. Over the course of three and a half years, she's has only joined us for three family vacations. 

Wanting her to join us for a Spring Break road trip to Carlsbad, California a little over a year ago, I offered to fly her there to meet us because she said she had cosmetology school the first day of our trip. She declined my offer, saying it was overkill. We found out later she didn't have school that week at all; she just lied so she could stay home alone. 

I felt deep hurt and rejection that day. And many other days during those three years. I made her choosing not to join us on vacations mean all kinds of painful things about me and our family. 

Until I started telling myself a better story; a story that was, incidentally, far less dramatic. 

Telling this new story opened up space in our relationship. Space for her to graciously (or not so graciously) decline family outings and vacations while she figured out her identity apart from our family. Space for me to realize that our family is okay, fun, and worth spending time with whether or not she chooses to be with us. 

In fact, I have made such complete peace with the situation that lately I've sometimes forgotten to invite her to things, as was the case with the water park. 

Well, tomorrow we are going to the water park again. And this time I remembered to invite her. On her calendar, the event is titled “splash summit wahooo,” which made me giggle a bit. 

The point is, teens will push away HARD sometimes. But it's my experience that the less dramatically we react to it, especially coupled with unconditional love and regular effort to connect in other ways, the quicker our teens will choose to come closer again. And the less suffering everyone endures in the meantime.