When Your Teen is Critical of You

Are your teens sometimes in your face and SUPER critical of your parenting?

Yeah, me too.

Do you sometimes have a hard time keeping your cool and not getting defensive?

Yeah, me too.

We have to have thick skin to raise teenagers.

I had a pretty challenging interaction with my 19-year old (and oldest child) last week that I wanted to share. To be honest, she's often been quite critical of my parenting for as long as I can remember. Even when she was really little.

In her mind her teachers were right; her friends were right; even her friends' parents were right. But I was ALWAYS wrong.

This has gotten better in recent years as she's matured and our relationship has improved, but it still surfaces occasionally.

Her latest grievance was that she doesn't think I'm hard enough on her younger siblings. She said I don't give them enough consequences; I pay for too many things; I am not controlling enough.

"It's not fair! I had to fight tooth and nail for every privilege I got!" she yelled.

And that is when I knew. She didn't actually want me to revert to my old beliefs and parenting habits. She just wished I had been the mom to her that I have become for her siblings.

In her mind, if I had been a little better mom to her maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to pull away so hard, rebel so much, or do so many stupid things she regrets.

She was yelling at me, but in reality she was likely just mad at herself.

When I saw it, my heart melted. I didn't need to get defensive.

The truth is, she was right: it isn't fair!

So instead of trying to justify why I parented her the way I did, I agreed with her.

If I could go back and do it differently, I would.

But I know I can't.

So, I apologized (again) for my many shortcomings as a mother; for my limitations, for my lack of perspective and insight, for all the times I acted out of fear.

This rough parenting conversation transformed into one of powerful connection and I got one of the best hugs I've ever had from her.

The conversation was monumental for me because I think it was one of the first times I didn't get defensive at all about the past.

Thanks to the MANY times I've been coached on this topic, I've finally made peace with the fact that I was NEVER supposed to be a perfect mother, not to her and not to her siblings.

Our teen's criticism is almost never actually about us; it's about them! What they're struggling with, grieving about, and processing.

Once we drop the belief that we're supposed to do this parenting thing perfectly, we'll be able to discover what's underneath our teens' criticism.

If they attack or criticize our parenting, we don't need to react or get defensive.

We can simply stay emotionally grounded and lead the conversation with compassion and curiosity. This will set us free!