When Your Teen Wants Independence
Independence Day is coming up. So, this week I've been reflecting on freedom and what that means for parents raising teenagers.
My oldest daughter was a fiercely independent child by nature. At 18 months old, she could basically do everything herself, and I'm not exaggerating. (Well, everything an 18-month old needs to do anyway.)
Every time I tried to help her with something, she would furrow her brown and stubbornly protest, "I do it by my own."
She would often look at me curiously with a look that said, "I'm confused why you're here because I'm perfectly capable of doing all of this alone." And for the most part, she was right.
As she got older, this was amazing in some ways and very challenging in others.
At 16 years old, she was regularly lying to us, skipping school, and making poor decisions. On two different occasions, she ran away from home because she didn't think my husband and I had the right to tell what she could and couldn't do. It was a tricky time.
One day, frustrated beyond words, ready to pull my hair out and throw in the towel on parenting forever, I got coached on this topic.
What I learned struck me deeply.
My coach said, "As your daughter seeks responsibility, independence will follow. That is the order of things."
That sentence sort of blew my mind, and it certainly rang true. My daughter was SO anxious to be independent; and I was totally fine giving her freedom....so long as she was responsible.
This one sentence changed my mindset and approach to parenting.
Once teens prove they can handle responsibility, it's very easy to give them freedom.
So, what does this look like in the everyday life of raising teenagers?
Teens might want more freedom in the form of having an extended curfew, choosing their class schedule, driving the family car, having more screen time, or going on a trip with their best friend's family.
Can we say yes to those requests?
Well, it all depends.
Have they proven that they can handle the responsibility that comes with increased freedom?
Let's consider the example of driving the family car. What responsibilities are necessary for this privilege and freedom?
Paying for the gas
Driving safely
Following the family car rules
Coming home on time
Cleaning out the garbage when they get home, etc.
If they prove responsible, the answer is yes. If they don't, the privilege needs to be re-earned.
So, the next time your teen asks for more freedom, invite them to demonstrate more responsibility. As they seek for and prove more responsible, independence will follow.
