Why Teens Lie to Their Parents

My husband used to be an assistant principal at a junior high in Orem, Utah. After just a few months of working at that job, he came to the conclusion that all teens lie.

I would also argue that all adults lie on occasion, though the magnitude and reasons may differ.

Teens lie to their parents for many reasons:

• They don't want to get into trouble.

• They are worried about their parents' judgment.

• They are worried about losing their parents' love.

• They want to do what they want without the consequences.

My oldest daughter used to lie to us ALL THE TIME. It was such a problem that I took her to counseling when she was twelve. I don't know that it helped much because as she got older the lying go worse and worse.

I was so disappointed in her. I was so confused. I was so frustrated.

What I didn't know was that there were things I could do differently to reduce the chances that she would lie to me.

The stinging reality was that I wasn't a safe place for her. She was afraid of my reaction, either because she didn't want to see my disappointment or didn't want to be punished.

My expectations of her were also too high. I was trying to make her into a clone of myself instead of parenting her as an individual, who is VERY different from me.

She became a very good liar, and it went on for years....

Punishing her didn't help.

Lecturing her didn't help.

Even crying and pleading with her didn't help.

So, what finally did help?

I started treating her like she was trustworthy. If she told me something, I wouldn't question it. I would treat it as the truth and give her space.

I also repaired our relationship and became a safe place for her.

I treated her more like a capable teammate than a ignorant child.

I was careful about how I reacted to things she would tell me about her "friends" (knowing full well that some of what she told me was actually about her).

I had to regain her trust. If something she said scared me, I asked questions rather than giving lectures.

Over the past few years, my daughter and I have created a much healthier dynamic in our relationship. She has told me ALL her secrets.

As a parent, you can't force your teen to tell you the truth. But you CAN create a relationship environment that cultivates honesty and mutual trust.

It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen if you switch your focus from trying to control your teen's behavior to being very deliberate about your own behavior.

Have a great week!